Simplistes.

Right now I feel as though I've accomplished nothing in my life;

1. I've not made enough money. Still very financially insecure. I'm supposed to be able to buy a house now, but with the money in my CPF currently, I can only buy 3 of the tiles of my home. Mom just declared that I've to move out within 5 years from now. Pressure has been put, so it's definitely one of my worries.

Hence the solution: Work my ass off so I can be self-sufficient, and then able to move out.

2. I've not learnt anything useful/skillful. This means, learning a new language (Korean; not just because I wanna understand my idols) and mastering just ONE song on the guitar. I swear the guitar is just stocking up on dust right now while waiting for me to pick it up. It's totally depressing whenever I watch my idol's videos and hearing about my friends who are taking language classes, knowing that I should be there but I'm not. Also, whenever I watch bro play the guitar I keep wondering when I can be as good as him.

Hence, I must: Find out the price for affordable Korean language class and find the song tabs that I've misplaced and use my brain to re-learn those songs.

And some other issues...

My mother expects me to be married within 5 years from now. I don't want to, cos honestly, I'm not ready. However, mothers have such extraordinary powers; that when they say something's gonna happen, it is gonna happen. But it's all too scary to me. This is something that I don't wish to think about but it's somewhere embedded in my head/heart that it's somewhat haunting. Fuck.

So, for now: I should just take the chill pill, relax and enjoy my single status for as long as I can. As & when God decides to pair me up with someone, then so be it. Until that happens... singular is the way to go. Oh yeah, many thanks to God for not letting me meet men right now because I've no such desire to be back in the dating pool anytime soon. Simply said, I've given up. Yes ladies & gentlemen, to your dismay, I have given up on (serious) relationships. Kalau ade (jodoh), okay. Kalau tkde, rilek sua ah.

My all-important A level results. Oh my God. This alone is enough to make me go insane. I had the worst nightmare about it a couple of weeks ago. In it, I passed only ONE (out of 4) subject with a 'B'; the rest was 'S'. My GP is one of the asses. (pun intended) Fucking depressing. In reality, I haven't planned the different routes to take depending on the expected results. Mind you, I'm left with about 7 weeks or so before the big, dramatic day. Am I screwed up or what?!

So in conclusion, this temperamental self comes from those issues I brought up because all that makes me feel stifled, disappointed, angry, pressured, stressed and (mostly) unhappy all at the same time. I'm not complaining about my life and being emotional about it all because despite all these I still am thankful that I survived each and every day... It's just that I need to get a hold of myself and work it out properly. At this rate that I'm going, I don't think I can achieve #1 and 2 within 5 years because I don't even think about it. And if I procrastinate mapping out my life after the results, I'll be at a total loss of direction. Now that is something I very well want to avoid....

It's only January but I see my life moving like a bullet train each day.

It's tiring, and I know that time does not wait for me. If I keep delaying my wants and needs, I might just realize one of my greatest fears- that is to look back one day, thinking "Why the fuck did I not do it then?!"

Damn it, damn it.

I hate being at the crossroads.

I hate having to be kicked out of my comfort zone more.

Worse still, I hate being forced to grow up & take full responsibility of my life.

Heart pain.