ChiCkA mYkA*

WHUUUT.

2012-01-25T19:26:00.002+08:00

On June 18th 2007, I posted this:

"And Insyallah, in 030609 Katy is going to get married.

I'm going to get engaged. 140209.

Eka's getting married in 2010.

What about the others?"

WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN MY MIND?!

I'm getting what?!

I'm so glad it never happened!

Pictorial.

2012-01-25T18:52:00.004+08:00

Because you're so beautiful; in name and person.

Naima Mora.

Yonks!

2011-07-02T14:59:00.002+08:00

Well hello to my dusty, musty, obviously neglected blog.

Oh, just a note. It's crazy how people have the time and energy to create some virus or template that will purposely spam someone's c-box. I took a look at mine and all I see was,

"anna romance: hit you my fren!"

"aya romantis: hello, here i come.. "

"suzyblog: im silent reader ...hehe"................et cetra

And it's not like it's just one of those examples... there's plenty of them! I apologise if these are all actual posts made by a living, breathing person who changes his/her name ever so often to post the same old shit, but what is the damned purpose of writing all these?! A few good words about my blog,

"sarahblog: nice blog..."

"Maya Jackson: Really nice blog! "

So what?! This is annoying. I put that C-box up so that my friends and I can communicate, and share our opinions on a topic that I brought up on my post. The C-box is not an avenue for people to advertise, or attempt to entice other people to go to their pages.

What the hell. What a way to start writing again. This spamming had totally spoiled my mood.

On another note, I'm doing fine. Just been very busy with work. It's rather time and energy consuming, really, but hey. I love my job.

Would love to share stuff about what mom said regarding my job; but the mood is gone.

So not much sharing today.

Ciao.

Dedication.

2011-01-27T22:30:00.002+08:00

When you came I was never alone

We were so special, like muscle to bone

With you my darkness turned to light

With you, what's wrong was simply right

But something happened;

That was when my life changed

It altered the new life we had made

I knew at the start that it was wrong to do

I should have spared a thought for you

Led you into deception

That were we gonna last forever

Gave you all I could

Like it was my last December

And when that final curtain drew;

It was the end for me and you

Hurting you, losing you

It was the hardest thing to do

It was just so

Depressing

Tormenting

I hear your voice everyday

The pain, it resonates in my head like a record on replay

To think I'd be so foolish to start this

I should have never said okay

Ignoring all warning signs, like in a trance

With something that must never be done

Forever caught in an incubus

I can't get out from

Leaving you has made me lovelorn

If you can't forgive me till my dying day

I understand that this is the price to pay

It's not you, it's me

If not for that moment this will never be

I'm sorry, forgive me

It's the only thing I could do, Baby...

Off my chest.

2011-01-13T02:06:00.004+08:00

The thing about me is, whenever there is a change going on in me, (however minimal it is) I notice it almost instantly. Right now, I feel as though my hormones ain't right. It's almost as if I'm back to being a teenager again. The temperamental self.

Right now I feel as though I've accomplished nothing in my life;

1. I've not made enough money. Still very financially insecure. I'm supposed to be able to buy a house now, but with the money in my CPF currently, I can only buy 3 of the tiles of my home. Mom just declared that I've to move out within 5 years from now. Pressure has been put, so it's definitely one of my worries.

Hence the solution: Work my ass off so I can be self-sufficient, and then able to move out.

2. I've not learnt anything useful/skillful. This means, learning a new language (Korean; not just because I wanna understand my idols) and mastering just ONE song on the guitar. I swear the guitar is just stocking up on dust right now while waiting for me to pick it up. It's totally depressing whenever I watch my idol's videos and hearing about my friends who are taking language classes, knowing that I should be there but I'm not. Also, whenever I watch bro play the guitar I keep wondering when I can be as good as him.

Hence, I must: Find out the price for affordable Korean language class and find the song tabs that I've misplaced and use my brain to re-learn those songs.

And some other issues...

My mother expects me to be married within 5 years from now. I don't want to, cos honestly, I'm not ready. However, mothers have such extraordinary powers; that when they say something's gonna happen, it is gonna happen. But it's all too scary to me. This is something that I don't wish to think about but it's somewhere embedded in my head/heart that it's somewhat haunting. Fuck.

So, for now: I should just take the chill pill, relax and enjoy my single status for as long as I can. As & when God decides to pair me up with someone, then so be it. Until that happens... singular is the way to go. Oh yeah, many thanks to God for not letting me meet men right now because I've no such desire to be back in the dating pool anytime soon. Simply said, I've given up. Yes ladies & gentlemen, to your dismay, I have given up on (serious) relationships. Kalau ade (jodoh), okay. Kalau tkde, rilek sua ah.

My all-important A level results. Oh my God. This alone is enough to make me go insane. I had the worst nightmare about it a couple of weeks ago. In it, I passed only ONE (out of 4) subject with a 'B'; the rest was 'S'. My GP is one of the asses. (pun intended) Fucking depressing. In reality, I haven't planned the different routes to take depending on the expected results. Mind you, I'm left with about 7 weeks or so before the big, dramatic day. Am I screwed up or what?!

So in conclusion, this temperamental self comes from those issues I brought up because all that makes me feel stifled, disappointed, angry, pressured, stressed and (mostly) unhappy all at the same time. I'm not complaining about my life and being emotional about it all because despite all these I still am thankful that I survived each and every day... It's just that I need to get a hold of myself and work it out properly. At this rate that I'm going, I don't think I can achieve #1 and 2 within 5 years because I don't even think about it. And if I procrastinate mapping out my life after the results, I'll be at a total loss of direction. Now that is something I very well want to avoid....

It's only January but I see my life moving like a bullet train each day.

It's tiring, and I know that time does not wait for me. If I keep delaying my wants and needs, I might just realize one of my greatest fears- that is to look back one day, thinking "Why the fuck did I not do it then?!"

Damn it, damn it.

I hate being at the crossroads.

I hate having to be kicked out of my comfort zone more.

Worse still, I hate being forced to grow up & take full responsibility of my life.

Heart pain.

Tagged.

2011-01-01T22:00:00.004+08:00

1. What do you do if you are in the bathroom with a beetle flying around?

- Continue bathing. A beetle is insignificant to my personal hygiene.

2. What do you do if you hear a song you like playing on the radio when you are all alone in the room?

- Sing and/or dance to it.

3. You want to speak to your crush badly. What is your line?

- Hey, are you free?

4. What do you do if all your friends hate a particular band that you love?

- Nothing. To each his own preferences.

5. What do you do when you trip and fall in front of many people?

- LOL till I cry of embarrassment.

6. You forgot to do your multiple-choice question homework and your class starts in 5 minutes. What do you do?

- Nothing.

7. You have bad breath and someone speaks to you. How do you react?

- Reply one syllable words if I REALLY need to.

8. You just finished gym and after a shower, you drop your underpants on the wet floor. What do you do?

- Curse myself for being so stupid, then attempt to dry it.

9. What do you do if a personality quiz says that you have a lousy personality as your result?

- Snigger at the result.

10. Your friend gave you the worst gift you have ever received and asks: Do you like it? How do you react?

- *imagines Twin giving me a huge ugly wallet* I'll be like, "Whuut the hell is this?!" -in speech and reaction.

11.(Continued from question 10) What are you really thinking secretly inside?

- "What does she want me to do with this?"

12. A hot guy/girl keeps looking at you while you are on the bus. What are you secretly thinking inside?

- "Yum..."

13. Your crush and you are eating dinner together, the food you've ordered came first, you do not want him or her to look at you eating while his or her food hasn't come. What will you do?

- Wait for his food to come so we can start eating together of course.

14. You are alone in your house and you realized that there is a burglar. What do you do?

- Lock myself in my room, call the police and arm myself with bro's electric guitar and/or the steam iron.

15.What do you do when your best friend had just spoilt your favourite one and only camera with all the important photos you cherished inside?

- Gasp, feel my heart break and blood rush to my face, sigh, take the MEMORY card and send the camera for repair.

16. What do you do when you receive a call from a kidnapper and your friend is in their hands?

- I'll be like "Dude, why are you calling me?!"

17. What do you do if you break your friend's favourite vase but he or she didn't see it?

- Report to my friend and offer a replacement.

18.You were told to buy carrots by your mother, but you forgot it and went back home with garlic. How will you explain to your mother?

- "Oh shit! I thought you said garlic!"

19. What do you do when you see a cat chasing a mouse?

- Scream at the cat prior to any acts of violence to the poor mouse.

20. You missed your favourite tv show and it was the season finale.

- Swear in at least 4 languages and feel sour the whole day.

21. There is a crash in your schedule, one is your friend's wedding, the other is your another friend's last day of funeral. what will you do?

- Go to the wedding for a while then pray for the dead at home. Or whichever I feel like doing first.

EOY.

2010-12-29T00:35:00.002+08:00

The end of the year is coming and I often find myself at disbelief with this reality. Many unforgettable things happened the past year... and looking back at all the good and (especially) the bad turns I took, there is not one time when I wished I could go back to, and go through with the events again.

I saw many things, and was caught (for a while) in a lifestyle that I thought I'd like. Being carefree, and living life at its fullest. However, I often felt unhappy. Maybe it was boring me. Maybe I saw right through the people around me. Maybe I didn't want to be irresponsible anymore.

So I left that lifestyle. And I'm much happier now.

I also met several people who had left a mark or two in my head/heart. Good and bad, all of them taught me valuable life lessons that I shall not forget. For the first time after yonks, I saw sincerity, love, passion, hate, desperation, loss, concern, exasperation... Emotions that I never felt before, emotions that I've lost touch with but it somehow got connected again.

In 2010, I've gained new friends and established stronger bonds with old friends. However, I've lost some too. Good men that could have been a part of my life, eligible men who were very worthy of my love and could give me what I need. It was sad for a while, but things happen for a reason. I believe it very much. Although much of my friends are currently in a stable relationship or are active in the dating market, I'm taking a backseat on this one. I guess I've grown tired to the norms of dating and getting to know someone new. In fact, I'm more comfortable and contented this way. I've grown to hate emotional baggage, so this is natural I guess...

Much of my life was captured in dramatic episodes- with the above-mentioned and the cruel A Level Examinations, blah blah blah... while I'd brought back lessons learnt, I have to admit that I'm still light years away from being perfect. The most recent and pressing issue to me now is the fear that I will not grow up well. It may seem like 10 long years before I enter another new decade of life but I've realised that time passes ever so quickly, and during the 20s, that's when I really HAVE to grow up. The decisions that I make are not gonna be so superficial anymore. It can be life-changing.

With all the drama coming for the remaining 8 years of my life and how I'm gonna find the courage to stand up and face them, on my 30th birthday (God willing) I don't wanna be looking back at the past decade thinking that I should have done this or that. Worse of all, I don't want to not have achieved anything I've always dreamed of doing or having.

This scares me the most.

And with 2011 coming with a brand new saga pre-written for me (not to mention the coming of age!), the only thing I really, really sincerely wish for is NOT world peace, but to have the strength, courage and patience in coming out stronger, better and triumphant after each blow that hits me and after every knee-scraping, bone-crushing, ligament-tearing, organ-damaging fall. Amin.

I hope you guys have a blessed new year too.

XOXO.

P/S: For the record, no resolutions are gonna be made anymore because I find that people (me included) make oddly unrealistic resolutions. Like saying you wanna achieve something when you know you'd never get your sorry ass to do it. Ah, well. To each his own belief.

Happy Birthday.

2010-12-20T19:38:00.003+08:00

Happy Birthday to you Twin.

It's been a pleasure knowing you all these years and I'm still glad that we're still close till today.

I hope that you will enjoy your day today with your loved ones and may the following year bring you much health, wealth and happiness!

Love ya!

XOXO

Employment.

2010-11-28T22:20:00.001+08:00

I need to get a job. Fast.

Four.

2010-11-28T21:40:00.002+08:00

Just 4 more days till the end of exams.

I've been waiting 3 years for December 2nd.

Having mixed feelings about it now.

Till then, I shall do what I can.

Prewritten.

2010-11-24T15:44:00.002+08:00

To you who does not exist now, but later in the future,

You are a very lucky man because I chose you, more specifically, I chose to love you.

I won't promise forever, but I will do my best to have it last for infinity.

I hope you won't be the reason why I cried and wasted precious sleep over, instead, be the man who makes beautiful memories with me always.

I hope you'd be generous in giving all your love to me, slowly but surely I'm sure you will receive as much love from me too.

To the man I've not met yet,

You really must be something, or rather, someone so damned special because you have the strength and skill to open this heart of mine.

You made me realise that love is more than just physical satisfaction, but wanting to satisfy the emotions as well.

To you,

I thank God for having met you and for showing me what love is worth, thank you for educating me with the beauty of love.

And I don't know if you can ever read this, but if you do, I love you.

Because you're my special person.

Yes, I'm gonna pen this down just in case anything happens to this blog. Haha!

I'm done, Tootsies.

Wartime.

2010-11-18T09:44:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow's the day of exams for my weakest subject yet- Management of Business.

I'm not nervous, and I'm sure as hell not excited.

I've done nothing productive the past week.

Worst thing is, I don't care.

I think I'm going to hell.

Reachout.

2010-11-13T19:12:00.000+08:00

Grenade.

2010-10-29T02:28:00.002+08:00

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash,
You tossed it in the trash, you did.
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, 'cause
What you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya
I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain!
Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won't do the same.

Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb,
Tell the devil I said "hey" when you get back to where you're from.
Yeah, you'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

If my body was on fire

You'd watch me burn down in flames.
You said you loved me, you're a liar, 'cause you never, ever, EVER did, baby!

Existence.

2010-10-23T21:28:00.002+08:00

One of my many great finds.

Credits to leilockheart.net.

Quote for keeps.

2010-10-23T21:20:00.000+08:00

"Allah never bestowed a blessing upon one of His servants, and then took it away from him, without giving him patience in return, and the replacement was better than what was taken away from him: 'Only the patient shall receive their reward in full, without reckoning" (Az-Zumar: 10)

Scholar Name: 'Umar ibn 'Abdil-'Azeez

Back.

2010-10-11T20:06:00.003+08:00

Got back from Selangor with my family yesternight. It was a short 3-days trip but it was one that I won't forget easily. Between my family members, there were tears of happiness and sadness, laughter, pain and more. I sensed that they didn't want us to leave, and mom was reluctant too. But we had to leave for Singapore. It's okay, we'll be back soon.

I never realised that we had this side of the family- one that is not conceited and backstabbing, but filled with care, share, love and unity. This was felt even by the in-laws, those cousins we've never met and especially the siblings- mom and the rest.

May God prolong the lives of these family members of mine abroad. Dear Allah, please look after the health of my Atuk, Aunts, Uncles & their families, and protect them from any harm or danger. Amin.

When I reached Singapore and switched my phone on, I received about 8 text messages, and out of 8, I only smiled at 1. It's a good feeling to see that person's text. =) Good luck to you- for school. And thank you for declaring that my birthday falls on every 10th of each month except August! =)

You're still so charming.

So my life & journey towards the A levels continues again.

It's very uncertain.

& I'm at a loss.

Of direction.

Special Shoutout.

2010-09-25T01:55:00.003+08:00

To Halimaton Shahidah,

This is veryyyyy backward and overdue but I just got to tell you.

Congratulations on your wedding in June. I hope that you will have a blessed new life with your husband and children (in the future). May you always be happy alongside your family and have many wonderful years ahead of you. I wish you all the best in your endeavors! Amin. =D

Wow. One down already. How time flies.

Somehow I think that in the years after this more will follow suit and join the married clan.

Fast ey?

22, 23, 24, 25... age is catching up really fast actually. *shivers*

No pressure though.

I just wanna enjoy the ride...

Thoughts.

2010-09-24T23:13:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I feel angry that you're doing what you've been doing.

Then I think again, am I any better?

Well actually I don't even need a mirror to know the answer.

I'm not.

Maybe even worse off then you are.

Better still, I'm neither apologetic nor remorseful.

So that makes the picture complete.

I accept it. Accept it all.

Coming to terms with reality is hard, but this question keeps me in touch.

So the conclusion is, I'm okay with all that you're doing.

Really.

So you don't have to worry anymore.

A tit for a tat, they say.

Hell right.

2010-09-19T17:41:00.003+08:00

A dream practically came true for me. I'm obviously elated. I know I can't live in cloud 9 forever, so I'll wait till this feeling of euphoria fades off before I decide on a proper, well-thought course of action. Then I'mma stick to it until it's out of my system.

I'm gonna suck the venom out of my blood, finally. I sense that it's riding up to my threshold at a critical level very soon. Wires have been snapped, insanity at an above-average level... It's about time that all these shit stop. I see a cycle happening, the last time I ended things I ended up very happy. I want that feeling again.

No wait. I NEED it.

I want to concentrate on better and more important things in my life.

Like school, exams and people who make me smile.

It's better that way now, isn't it?

Heartbreaking.

2010-09-16T21:15:00.000+08:00

I've never felt less like a woman before in my life. But that day, you made me feel so damned small.
I guess you've found someone better than me in terms of providing emotional stability.
OUCH.

Sometimes I wish I could do what you told me to. To go out and start dating again. If only it was easy. If only I didn't love you.

Sometimes I wish I can just totally disappear so that my heart will not be broken again because of you. If only I was strong enough to do that. If only I stopped loving you.

Sometimes I wish for all these, but I know I don't want anything else except to be with you.

You're totally messed up, lost and in between all that you forgot yourself and people who care about you the most.
You blame everything else around you, but never try to solve it. Instead, you go around finding distractions that take those problems away temporarily.

From my point of view, those distractions are like drugs. It gives you relief from pain, from what you should be thinking about for some time, and when the effects wear off you scout for more. You want it all until you fall and get in so deep into this shithole you call your new lifestyle. In the process, you get stoned and forgot about me.

SAKIT HATI, YOU TAU TAK?!

I hope you sit your ass down and think about what you want in your life quickly, Boo, before I get tired from the heartbreak and give you the ultimatum.

Don't be afraid of me. What happened to the confident person I fell in love with?
Don't make excuses for your inaction towards everything. Everything you do is a choice that you make.
Grow up. You're young, but it's not an excuse to be immature.

I know that I may sound very disrespectful and hurt you, but you have to realise this.
If this is what's gonna make you remember my words, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna follow my instincts.

It's no use nak jaga hati you lagi because kalau I tak marah you, I bersalah because I never cared about you. Kalau I marah you I pon bersalah because you will not want to tell me anything.

So forget it okay. Selagi you tk bilang I ape you nak, I'm just gonna do what I think is right, in my own definition.

And it's bullshit if you can't take it. Don't give me those emo shit. You are dominating by nature, and you're a Leo. If there's anyone who understands how you feel and what you're thinking, it's me. And I've been trying accommodate you as much as I can but apparently you did not appreciate it.

And since that day we met you haven't called or replied to ANY of my messages.
I rasa takut sangat because you may be playing the disappearing game again.
Part of me tknk sakit hati, tapi I tak tau kenape I sayang sangat dengan you smp I tak sanggup nak give up.

Mcm gini pon you masih tk percaya yg I sayangkan you ke?
I should be feeling that way okay, instead of you.

I dah penat ah, seriously.
Penat because I dah tk tau ape lagi nak buat to show you just how much I love you.
Penat because prangai you yg mcm biskut ni dah start lagi.
Penat terkejar-kejar kan you mcm anjing gila.

Penat lah sayang.
I need you by my side regularly, to talk to me about life, to joke, bitch about other people, to tell me that you love me... but you're not.

I sedih tau, you tau kan?
And the fact that you think that someone else loves you more than me, that's fucking bullshit ah. You tengok diri you sudah. You make time for siape ni sekarang? Dia ke I? Abih dahlah tak jumpe selalu, ada betul ke kalau you tuduh I tk sayang you mcm dia yg tergila-gila kan you skrg?

Pokoknya, you never gave us a chance, Boo. You're reluctant, and you hesitate because you think I'm just playing you.
Sesungguhnya, I dah penat nak try to convince you that I'm not.

You just won't listen.

Sakit hati ah.
I nangis tk berlagu.
Pasal you.

Is this fair now?

For once eh, please be a man of your words.
Jangan nak malu kan species kita yg lain boleh tak?

NAK APE, CAKAP. I AKAN KASI AH.

Quote.

2010-09-07T21:35:00.000+08:00

"Take back that sad word goodbye, bring back the joy to my life"

Classic.

Dream.

2010-09-01T14:15:00.003+08:00

I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't all nice and happy. It was a scene where we spoke on the phone and you told me that you were intentionally keeping away from me. I wasn't sure what the real reason was, until you told me (rather angrily) "I see now you're happy, in a relationship and all." And that was your reason for going MIA on me.

You should have heard yourself in that dream. You were cold, frustrated and snappy.

Then another dream. We were somewhere. Standing and talking. You told me the same thing you did on the phone. But this time watching you was worse. You didn't even look at me. You avoided eye contact and kept a distance from me like I'm some kind of a virus.

That was painful. Very painful. It wasn't the fact that you stopped calling and asking me if I was well or not. It was because you despised me and was so damned quick to judge.

In that dream I didn't recognize the person I was staring at because he had no soul, no compassion and his rejection was so flat. I really felt like I didn't know you anymore. It's like an entity has taken over your body.

You used to be so beautiful inside, that I admired and respected you as a person; so much until it hurt because I felt that you didn't deserve me. That you were too good for me.

Well I hope you're still the same person that I knew in reality. It's not that I'm the type who cannot accept change, but I hate it if someone turns rotten for no good reason.

So that's all.

Gone.

2010-08-25T23:22:00.003+08:00

I've been sitting here, can't get you off my mind...

I'm trying my best to be your ~~man~~ girl and be strong...
I've drove myself insane, wishing I could touch your face...

Always a favorite. All-time classic.

Talk.

2010-08-25T04:13:00.002+08:00

This week was boring, more or less. Sick, so stayed home feeling all groggy and shivery. Went out to JP with family to get some stuff for home. Then met Twin to break fast and update.

There's this little frenzy about me and my changed relationship status at Facebook. HAHA. Truth is, I've been in this "relationship" for about a year now and it's nothing new to my MI friends because that "special" person is none other than my girlfriend, Vivie Vyveanna. We had planned to put it up since a few months back, and fore-casted that the hype would be something similar. HAHA. I guess our predictions were true, huh gf? ;)

Funny, funny.

And Twin asked me just now if that person was Boo. I was like, OMG I WISH! If it was him, I'd be over the moon and back by now, wouldn't I? I won't be ambiguous about details and all. I'd personally and shamelessly call her myself just to tell her. Hahaha... Oh my. Wishful thinking huh? Would he even ask me the magic question in the first place? I don't know, not because I don't trust him, but I don't know because I really don't. And I don't wanna put up such high hopes on him, only to find out that it crashed on my feet. (again)

Well I hope he reads this entry before he sees my Facebook page because I won't want him to think that I've fallen for some other man or better still-turned gay. Cos I know he won't ever speak to me again if I did. Of course, I don't ever want that to happen. (Obviously!)

Anyways, Twin and I had a good talk regarding things that happened since the last time we met. Quite substantial, I must say. And all worthwhile. We shared laughs, sarcasm, anger, pain, hurt, disappointments and visions of the future. Again, she opened my eyes to her point-of-view regarding certain issues that I may not have thought about or considered seriously. It made me understand her, and people who share her stand/belief.

At the end of the day I realized that life isn't always about you; it's about the people around you too. Life happens in ways that you can never expect it to be-while your intentions are noble, others' are just shit. There will always be people who will influence you to do certain things that you may not like, or do things at the expense of those you love the most. There will be at a point of time (or 2 or 3) that you will feel like kicking yourself so hard, or wished you got knocked down by a vehicle or just wished that you could just curl up in bed with the covers above your head and just cry... or more; but the deal is- that's just life. It's either you go forward, stay still or turn around and walk back the tarnished path.

That is when mistakes come in. That is when you either learn from those mistakes or not. That is when you move on. The question always boils down to a "Yes" or "No" at the crossroad. And memories, bitter or sweet, will always be a reminder of who you were and who you want to be.

I have to ask myself again now.

And you should too, if you haven't.

Because people change all the time- It takes just a moment to influence your future.

Think about it.

Special thanks to Twin, who gave me an inspiration tonight.

I love you.

XOXO

Mashup.

2010-08-22T22:17:00.001+08:00

I hate it when I'm having mixed feelings about something. I really, really hate it.

Shoutout.

2010-08-21T04:12:00.003+08:00

To:

Mary Can

Mah

Sri

Kiki

Farhan

Atuk

Abu

Zul

Minah

Amir

Isabella

Romeo Valliere, and

The Belly Dancer at Nabins,

THANK YOU all for a fantastic night! It was a lovely surprise. I loved the cake and the company especially. I can't thank you guys enough, really. For those whom I failed to mention but had contributed to this surprise belated birthday celebration, thank you too. I love you guys many many!

To my BFF Romeo Valliere, this once in a blue moon meeting was great. I'm inspired and more knowledgeable about photography now. Of course, thanks for listening to me and my never-ending crazy ideas/stories/suggestions/questions and whatnots. I'm so glad that you're more enthusiastic about NS now and that you're concentrating in executing your daily trainings. I hope that you will pass out with flying colors and get that rank. And remember, don't smoke too much and don't feel so down okay. Feo and I will always be there for you. Jiwa tak? Sungguh-touching.com kan? HAHAHAHA! K dah. I know you'll ignore my reminders, but WTH. I'll say it anyways. -__-"

The weather's great to sleep in and/or snooze. I'll do exactly that in about half hour's time. I need my undisturbed rest after a long week. Then wake up fresh for tuition with the kids, after which do some revisions and then don't know.

Starting to talk crap already. Mind's thinking about a lot of things that doesn't make any sense. That means I'm sleepy. That also means that I should bid this blog goodnight.

Ciao.

Hello.

2010-08-15T22:38:00.002+08:00

Updates. This week, the buses seem to have issues with me. As a result, I had to bear the consequences. Damn, it's really times like this that I wish I have a car of my own. Then I can have worry-free travel. Argh.

It's this time again when I must sit down and think about what I want in my life. In terms of materials and priorities. Hmm... Ponder, ponder.

Tomorrow I must get down to work. It's annoying to know that I've done nothing but laze around during the weekend. Many distractions. This cannot be.

OMG, I just want school to be over and done with.

Seriously. This is not dramatic nor funny.

God, please help me.

Friends and loved ones please encourage me and force me to push myself.

Please.

I really need this.

Inspiring!

2010-08-09T00:45:00.000+08:00

Quote of the day:

"What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Update.

2010-08-08T04:39:00.002+08:00

Short updates:

School

The Situation: "Sealed a deal" with my Home Tutor and mom last Friday. With immediate effect, I cannot skip school and be late for school anymore. If I breach this "contract", I will be barred from the 2nd Preliminary Examinations this September. And word is, the VP's checking me (and some others) out. Infamous, I must admit. Academics- Passed 3 out of 4 subjects. Obviously that wasn't enough for my teachers. She made me promise to get at least triple Bs for Prelim 2.

Follow up action: I don't have to say cos it's pretty damned obvious. *rolls eyes*

Health (Physical & Emotional)

The Situation: No major issues, except getting fat. I feel as though I'm those "Industrial Chickens" that are force-fed with tons of antibiotics and those "weight-gainer" stuff in their foods. You know, those big chickens you love to eat at KFC. They're in that size for a reason. It's okay though. Being physically appealing is one of the last few things in my mind. So far, I can't recall when was the last time I laughed so hard till I cried and cursed that person who made me laugh at him till my tummy hurts. I can't recall making any remarks like "Boleh keluar 6-pack siak ketawa macam gini!" for the longest time. It's not because I've been miserable, I've had my share of fun and laughter, but it's just not like that anymore.

Follow up action: Chill about the weight for now, and watch more funny shows and people.

Amor

The Situation: I find myself having a hard time lately. It's not the crazy speculations anymore now though. It's this feeling of being at a long, narrow road with both of us on each end trying to get to each other. The problem is not about the length we have to go, but the army of people in between vying for our attention- pushing, pulling, tugging, chasing and hunting us down. Unfortunately, most of these people manage to catch us and pull us further from one another. While some are due to unfortunate circumstances, others are intentional with a hidden agenda. In the midst of this pandemonium, I still have my eyes fixed on him most of the time but it's sad to see that he has more often drowned in this sea of homo sapiens. It's even sadder when I find myself elbowing through the moshpit while avoiding swarms of attacks at my direction but still getting hit frequently. Obviously outnumbered, I fall down face first on the cold tar and getting sandwiched by what seems like an entire rugby team. As I'm relentlessly hit and feel that my life is on a thread, the only other thing besides God the Almighty in my head is him and all the beautiful things we had and can possibly do together. My world becomes an instant calm, until I realise that I'm actually fighting to survive. And this shit, it goes in a circle- lasting at least a month each. In summary- "Cos I'm lonely and I'm tired/ I'm missing you again/ Oh no/ Once again..." (quoted from Avenged Sevenfold's 'Dear God')

Follow up action: Call him when I'm awake later on. I can't live with his absence. Even if it's just his voice I'm gonna hear, I'm thankful enough. Love you.

Ciao for now.

Packrat.

2010-07-29T12:00:00.002+08:00

At home, gonna meet Farna in about 2 hours from now. I'm excited for the trip, but I haven't started to pack. I don't even know what I want to bring. Well, what's most important is to bring myself. I can't afford to miss this trip just because of a stupid flu bug.

This is so exciting!

And I promise to go further after A Levels.

Sweet!

Issues.

2010-07-27T21:52:00.003+08:00

At this moment, I have some issues to raise.

1. My deteriorating health

1a) Very weak immune system.

I am absolutely worried about this. It's the gadzillionth time this month that I'm having flu. I thought I'd get better just now but my body's burning up this instant. I cannot afford to fall sick at a regular basis. I have to do so many things, and I'm pressed for time. With heightened pressure and stress I cannot afford to fall victim to a freaking flu virus.

1b) Iron Deficiency

A few months ago I was disallowed to donate blood because I had low iron in my blood. Doctor gave me iron pills but I never took it, thinking I'll be okay when I eat meat. Well even that's not enough. I have been very tired for no good reason lately. I have not been exercising or dancing regularly. Even if I spend one day at home lying on my bed, I'd still feel tired by nightfall. Weak, so so weak. Am I getting worse? I just got off a website describing the symptoms of iron deficiency- and guess what? I have most of the symptoms. Not good.

2) School/A levels

The all-important examinations are nearing faster than I'd imagined. It gives me a thrill sometimes but mostly, it gives me stress instead. I get annoyed quickly, laugh maniacally at something not supposed to be funny... And I sense it's accelerating. Disturbing, but I don't know what to do.

3) Amor (also known as the 4-letter "L" word)

After spending time with him, I feel more at ease and secure. I made the right choice. It's just a matter of time now. I think we both need this time to focus on building/moulding our own future first. Me in successfully clearing my A levels and getting accepted into Uni, he in fulfilling his responsibilities as an entrepreneur. It's not easy though. I must be honest about that.

I'm kind of out of words now. My body is still heating up. I feel like crying.

But I can survive all these right?

Yes!

I must remain eternally optimistic from now on.

If I fall, and if no one is there to lend a helping hand for me to stand back up or to nurse my wounds, I'll improvise.

To stand, I'll find for crutches myself.

To heal the wounds or broken bones- disinfect, wrap it up and go. Wounds and broken bones heal naturally with time.

Most of all, have faith in the Almighty, for He gives you light when you need it.

I can survive, I will.

Watch me.

Stifled.

2010-07-18T21:57:00.002+08:00

A lot has happened, and lots more will be happening in time to come. I am absolutely drained, I'm falling sick on a regular basis and my hormones are up the roof. There are times when I could not control my emotions- much of which is anger. The best thing is, the less anxious/angry people around me get the venting. Awesome isn't it. My being difficult is not something anyone can handle.

So before I become a complete bitch please understand that it's just a natural defence mechanism against the accelerating stress and pressure weighing down on me.

And I'm down with flu again today. So I must sleep early.

Chao Chin Chao.

AISEY...

2010-07-12T13:12:00.002+08:00

July has been a complete bitch. So I'm packing my bags with BFF and we're going on a trip on month end. Ciao bitches.

August, please be nice to me can?

AKU DAH PENAT AH.

BINGET.

2010-06-24T05:04:00.004+08:00

At this point in time, aku betul-betul dah malas nak fikir pape lagi. Bochap already. Penat ah. I'm seriously tired of all these.

Mane ngan org tak faham bahasa, mane ngan orang bebual world, mane ngan sakit jantung. Batin aku dah nangis tak berlagu lagi ah. Hari-hari pulak tu. Penat, kau tau tak?

Mesti ah kau tak tau. Jangan nak step feeling understanding ah. Orang zaman sekarang kan asyik kejarkan nikmat dunia, ikut nafsu sendiri. Perangai satu-satu semua macam sundal. Duit, duit, duit. Kalau tak duit, perempuan. Kalau tak perempuan pulak nak step bebual world. Pukimak. Pergi mati ah. Buat ape siak kau kat sini?

Sudah lah. I'm fucking sick of all of you and your many fucked up excuses. Aku hidup sorang pon cantik. Malas ah nak layan karenah korang lagi. Makin aku layan, makin cepat aku mampos agaknye. Lu pergi rilek sua, eh. Fuck off, pergi main jauh-jauh.

Don't ask me why I'm ranting like this. Don't even fucking bother racking your brains out trying to decipher all these. Jangan nak step caring. Pergi buat hal sendiri sua. Kejarkan lah duit tu, (step boleh tanam masok kubur abih kasi rasuah kat malaikat je nanti), kalau tak kau pergi lah carik pasal ngan orang lain pasal aku (jangan nak step hero eh. Last warning.), kalau tak works jugak pergi ah kutip perempuan kat tepi jalan. (kalau feeling nak 'up' sikit, gi Dbl O carik. Sana banyak tengah jual minyak.)

If you got nothing good or beneficial to say to me, fuck off. Really. I will really appreciate that cos I don't need anymore bullshit in my life.There's just so much a person can take; and I must say that I've been really patient tolerating all these. Cuma niari je, aku peh wire kena langgar.

Binget ah.

Bila usaha, the other party pulak jual mahal.

Bila bochap, aku kena sound pasal aku sorang pe dalam dunia ni yang pemalas.

Bila tengah okay, orang carik pasal.

Bila tengah emo pulak, kena marah- aku ni lembik lah, ape lah.

Bila marah, orang suroh chill.

Pukimak! Ape siak korang nak dari aku?

Bila aku mintak satu benda, syarat dia beribu-ribu. Bila aku tanya, tak nak jawab. Ade lagi best; nak tipu. Bongok kan? Bebual je banyak, empty promises. Bila mau game? Aku tanya lagi; alasan demi alasan kasi aku (penuh perasaan pulak tu!), in the end takde motive. Cukop time aku yang berbuih mulut. It's a waste of time, really.

Abih kan, kalau tak happy pon boleh tarik gi corner bebual pe. Berita dah basi pon masih nak ungkit. Umor kau brape siak. Kalau zaman primary school nak buat kerja bodoh mcm gini aku faham ah. Budak hingus, blom kenal cara. Kau fikir kau mane nye big fuck siak, bikin macam gini. Pukimak, kau bodoh pe sial? Kau hidup bawah tempurung kape? Ey, bangun lah eh. Ni dah 2010.

It's about time you fuckers fucking grow up.

Really.

Bodoh!

2010-06-21T22:01:00.002+08:00

Nowadays, whenever I stumble upon his facebook wall posts or his presence at MSN, it turns on my wrath. Big time. I hate him, as much as I hate that slut. I hate him because he's doing things that she did. I hate him because he's a douche bag. A fucking loser. An absofuckinglutely selfish, mental and manipulative human.

I hate him so much, if I see him now I'll punch his face and spit on him.

Hey asshole,

If you think by doing what you did will work, you're wrong. One day, all this shit is going back to you, in your fugly face. Maybe now you've won the race. But remember, nothing lasts forever.

Fuck!

It's people like him that make me want to be bad. To have a taste of your own medicine. I can do that, but I resisted because deep in my heart there's always this flicker of hope- than men aren't bastards, that there is true love. One who's made for me, to take care of me, to love me and to be with me for the rest of my life. A man I can lean on to whenever I need him, someone I can give strength to when he needs me. Someone who understands me and my lifestyle, who accepts me for who I am now, and who I'll be in his life as we grow together.

Is that too much to ask?

I thought I'd found that person. I thought that my uncertainties will be diminished because I'll be reunited with the one that I love. I thought that my love story would have no further complications that day, I really did.

It's funny how a moment can change in a split second, huh?

Well, it's all because of you. You mentally sick, unsound, selfish human. Long have I dodged men like you coming my way. It's been more than a year since I last told you off, but alas. You still didn't get the message. You still tested your luck. You crazy fuck, your time is over.

You fucking screwed my chances to be with someone I need, someone I truly value and love. For that, I hate you. And I'm gonna hate you forever. It's okay if you're still friends with him till whenever. But between us, I promise nothing. In you, he trust. In me, zero. Why? Because you made it like that, didn't you? You stupid cow. Fucking opportunist.

With this, I hope he won't fall prey to your honey-coated slur of words anymore. Because I know he deserves someone better than you to rely on. And I believe that he's smart enough to think through.And I believe that he loves me, I do too.

So go pack your backs and fuck off, bitch.

Don't show yourself to me.

SMACK.

2010-06-18T18:18:00.004+08:00

Herein I declare:- As long as I haven't found the one man whom I can call mine, there is nothing (and no one) that's gonna stop me from doing whatever I wanna do with my life right now.

Reason?

One day when I've settled down, whenever I look back and reminisce the times when I was still in my 20s and single, I wanna smile and say "I've done it all, no regrets".

Living life with no regrets is something I swore I'd live by when I was 16. Unfortunately, this one belief was also something that I completely forgot about until today. It struck me, and slapped me hard in the face. I guess when you come to realise certain things yourself it's more painful, but easier to accept. Heartbreaks and failures are inevitable but if you look at it differently in another perspective I should think that it's not bad at all because ultimately, life is a learning journey. God has always encouraged Man to seek education and learning. Not just in books, but in life, as a whole.

I guess I've had some regrets in life. My life was a complete meltdown not too long ago. But I survived, and there's a reason for this- I'm stronger than that.

Another thing that I've always believed in (although forgotten again) is; in love, sometimes you just got to let go. If he returns to you someday then he's for you. If not then, well... I don't have to say anymore.

I guess my problem is that I'm delusional. I tend to live in my own world, where I can dictate and control everything. So when someone pulls me back to reality and when I see the many flaws and wrongs there are in this world I get upset. Because things don't go my way.

Dear God, today I am humbled and ashamed of myself.

I've learnt a lesson-live life with no regrets, keep my feet on the ground and I must realise that there's always a maximum quota when I can control and steer life into the ideal.

I'm sure that not all here reading this will agree to my lifestyle, but there's a reason for my doings. Always. I'm not the type to act mindlessly. My brain works more than it's supposed to. Maybe that's why I talk a lot. I think about at least 5 random things at once- and for every action I've taken, I will know the consequences.

And to that, I must also realise that I'm not perfect. I may have overlooked certain things till my actions/words backfire. So I must not be a brat about it. Instead, learn from it and stand back up gracefully.

Dear God, please help me.

Dear readers, I think it's time to revisit your lives again if you haven't. Don't live in a roundabout. Live in the highway.

So can we do it?

Hell yeah, we can!

Cheerio.

Ride for you.

2010-06-18T17:23:00.002+08:00

Ride for you- Danity Kane.

A classic favourite song of mine. To you-know-who, this is for you.

Lately, I've been tryna fight whatever's pulling us under
It's got a hold and really making me wonder
What it takes to get through
I gotta stick with you, my baby
Baby tell me:
Maybe I'm foolishly overreacting
But being without you I can't imagine
It's just too close to the heart and
And I won't stand it if were broken apart

We've been cutting it close with the backwards & forwards
It's rocking the boat; we gotta get control of this
Let's take it back to three years ago
When you said that we could make it through whatever, ever
And to me it sounded like you meant forever, ever
Leaving was not an option, baby, never, never
Now don't you believe in a love that's worth a fight
In you is everything that I'm missing
So give us a chance

Do you hear me?
Baby ya gotta believe in the things that make you & me win together
Don't you throw in the towel
I'm keeping my promise to you I got ya back now
When the chips are down
It seems like it's so hard for you to move ahead
Just know that I am by your side
There aint no ifs, buts, or maybes,
I'm gonna stay down and ride for you baby

Don't you dare tell me we gotta let it go...
We been on top for too long just to let it go under
I don't wanna hear that
I just can't hear that
And know
Wherever you wanna take me
I'll go
I been with you for too long to start over with another
I know that you hear me
Just tell me you hear me

Speechless.

2010-06-13T20:54:00.002+08:00

I thought I could resist you
I thought that I was strong
Somehow you were different from what I've known
I didn't see you coming
You took me by surprise and
You stole my heart before I could say no

The way you smile, the way you touch my face

It's something that you do I can't explain
I'd run a million miles just to hear you say my name,
Baby

You leave me speechless
You leave me breathless
The way you look at me
You manage to disarm me
My soul is shining through
I can't help but surrender
My everything to you

Boo.

2010-06-13T18:28:00.002+08:00

If I could have things my way, if I had not cared a hoot about you or your feelings, I would say:

"For once, just shut up and listen to me."

I know that you don't trust me. But please learn to, if you really love me.

At this time I'm even too exhausted from all the crying to think about anything.

I know you read my blog sometimes, so I hope you're reading it now.

I love you. Nothing's gonna change that.

Lock it into your memory system up there.

Rethorical.

2010-06-12T14:14:00.002+08:00

Adakah cinta itu kata-kata yang diucapkan di bibir sahaja, ataupun ia sesuatu yang hanya boleh dirasa?

Say what?

2010-05-31T03:49:00.002+08:00

Dear God, thank you for answering my prayers. Dear God, thank you for that moment. Dear God, thank you for making things possible, for giving me the answers. Thank you, Almighty God.

Syukur Alhamdulillah!

He said it.

3 words, 8 letters.

I'm yours, baby.

Forever will be.

Amin.

"Oh my God, I'm so in love... I found you finally..."

2010-05-31T01:45:00.002+08:00

Right at this moment, I just want to rant.

Maybe it's not fair to you, but you must understand that it's not for me too because ultimately I'm at the receiving end.

At this point, I feel that the connection- although not entirely lost- is muffled somehow. That leaves me spinning as I think about the gadzillion possibilities; both good and bad.

Many times I question myself, what makes me this resilient? And why am I like this? Is it true about what Yus have said to me before, that as long as I don't know the outcome I would just keep on trying till the end? And out of all people in this world, why you, why now?

God, forgive me because I'm really very selfish.

God, forgive me because at this point, I am absolutely clueless about what you are showing me. Please, let me see the answers soon because I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

Bottling strong feelings isn't very good to my health- both mentally and physically.

It's not that I want out, NO (that's never in my mind) but at the very least, let me know you're alive can you? I'm having this tug-of-war inside, and it's killing me inside.

I'm trying so, so hard to accept reality; basically everything's that going around me right now. As far as I'm concerned, I need a motivation, a reason for my actions. If you can't give me that it's gonna be so damned hard.

For now, I don't even know what I'm arriving at because simply put, I've no conclusion. And from the looks of things, there ain't gonna be one anytime soon.

Dear God, please show us the light.

I miss you, do you even know that? ='(

BUSY.

2010-05-22T16:03:00.002+08:00

Last week proved to be the most physically and mentally challenging to me. After the end of each academic day, another activity takes place- dance. It's an added pressure for me because being president, I am accountable for and directly responsible for everything that's happening. I am answerable to Miss Z, Mr Ajit and other relevant authorities. Not forgetting, making decisions and initiatives as to how, where, who and what goes on each day.

Transcendence 2010 is an event I will not forget easily this year. It was a bittersweet journey for the dancers as we had to overcome ourselves (meaning physical and mental fatigue) during training as well as to attend all lessons in school everyday. Basically, it was like standing on a bed of thorns one-legged. It hurts, but you have to endure.

I found myself being mindless, at a "stoned" state most of the time when I'm alone. I can't think and I walk around and go about the days just on autopilot. It was rotten. I looked rotten too.

Alas, our hard work paid off. Not majestically paid, though, but good enough to be satisfied. In just 12 hours of intense training, we managed to deliver a performance worth watching. I am deeply thankful to my dancers for attending practice every day and listening to instructions, to Miss Z for her guidance and help and Mr Ajit, for his dedication and contribution. Thank you; I'm very much grateful.

Cheers to all.

Negative.

2010-05-11T09:25:00.002+08:00

Today marks the 8th day that I've been sick with the flu and cough. I can't breathe properly and I feel like yanking my throat out and removing all the phlegm that's stuck in there. I thought sleeping for 12 hours and a slight over-dosage of cough syrup would work; turns out that it's still the same. -__-"

Out of all months, weeks, days to be sick. It just HAD to be now! I feel so weak, like an dead plant. No mood for anything.

Last 2 nights, I had a dream about you. It was weird. We were in a bedroom and on the bed, making out. Things could have happened, but it didn't. Cos I said "There's still another day". You didn't complain or ask me why I said that, or why I stopped myself. You just smiled. We got dressed and went out. Strangely, I felt so happy. Not because we made out, but despite what I said, you respected my decision and you're still by my side, holding my hand as we made our way out.

I like it, you know. I like it when you would demand my full attention whenever you think I was bored. I like it when you would take my hand when we walk, and made sure I never let go. I like how you would always keep me close to you where ever we are, or in whatever we do. I like how you would complain that I'm distancing myself from you, but in actual fact, I want you with me everyday of my life. I like it, I like it all.

I just hope that you realise that the above-mentioned (and more) are the little things that make me love you, for who you are.

And I don't wanna sit at home doing nothing, even if that is what you want. I wanna be working too, so when I buy you an Armani suit costing a few thousand dollars, you can't complain. ;)

I'm crazy, I know. And guess what? I don't care.

Going to watch White Chicks now. Shoo!

Angkasa.

2010-04-25T19:22:00.002+08:00

Andaiku mampu

Melakukan sesuatu

Akanku terbang tinggi

Jauh dari sini

Atas, ke angkasa-

Tinggalkan bumi.

-yhrhr

Today is my official "just-be-stupid" day. Nothing academic, no hard partying, no fighting, just pure stoning and lying down. Ironman 2 was awesome. I'm up for a second. Anyone wants to join?

To whom it may concern,

I hate to see you disintegrating at this rate. I hope that you will find the light at the end of the tunnel. As a friend, you want to see me happy. As a friend, I'm telling you now that I want YOU to be happy. Whatever it is that you want, I'll give you the support that you need to achieve it. Just be patient, believe in yourself and find the will to carry on. It hurts not knowing what to do to help, but I'll try because you mean a lot to me. Your friendship is invaluable.

To whom it may concern,

I can't help it, but I think I'm in love with you. Forgive me, because I know you don't need to hear this now. And I'm so afraid to tell you to your face. But I just got to let it out. At least in here. Well if you wanna hear me say it out, tell me and I will. I miss you. I wanna see you again soon before we both get buried in our work. It's painful to be apart.

That's the snippet of my life. Trying to figure things out. Still.

Reuinon.

2010-04-13T12:48:00.003+08:00

Highlight of yesterday: 10-year Reunion.

I swear I haven't seen some of them in 10 years. All of us have grown up, some found love while others (like me) are taking the chill pill laid-back boat ride cruising down "Love River".

Heh, I'm still skeptical about all things being nice and happy. About relationships, actually. I'm scared of commitment and everything else that can go wrong. I'm not saying I won't try; I will, but it takes a real man to entice me.

Moving on...

Had fun chilling with the guys yesterday, we should really organize stuff like this more ya? Hopefully not after 10 years again.

Hmm... not in much mood to update, or to do anything. I just wanna get out of this place. Maybe do my work for a bit then grab dinner. Or go stationery shopping at Mustafa Centre.

Anyone to teman me? Damn, it's times like this that I wish I had a bf! Haha!

Crank!

2010-03-29T22:08:00.002+08:00

I'm getting cranky, and I'm being a baby about Geog's Earth Energy Budget Essay due tonight. I've a supersized inertia when it comes to things like this. I wish for more days to laze around till I'm bored. Sadly, that day is not anytime soon. I guess some things gotta change.

I should stop whining about it. Even if I choose to, the essay is still gonna be there staring at me.

To get rid of it, I should just fucking do it. Get it over and done with. Earth's energy budget, like hello! It's supposed to be easy.

I did the other 3 assignments with no trouble at all, so why must this be the stopper? It's just one more assignment. JUST. ONE. MORE. YAH. GO. AND. DO. IT.

Argh!

Okay, I'll do it. Yes, I will.

After a fag.

UPdate.

2010-03-20T01:40:00.003+08:00

I've always wanted a man who can sing. So he can serenade me all the beautiful songs in the world. Basically "Girlfriend" by N'SYNC. Very old song, yes, but a classic. After all these years, I still go "uh-la-la!" when I listen to it.

Last week, I texted someone and got a curt reply. Honestly I wasn't too happy with the reply cos it made me question that person. And I hate to be in that position where I'm questioning someone's credibility. It just sucks. Well I hope this will not happen again. Ever.

Overall, its a case of a Bad Romance.

This week is the term break, and I've been bumming (as usual). I found out that I'm an 'I'- person. Which means, procrastination is in my blood. So please don't frustrate yourself (and me!) if things happen in my favor. And please stop saying that I'm freaking wasting my life; believe me I wish I've half your enthusiasm and meticulous-ness.

Studying is a chore, and it's something that bores the bones in me. If the "stand at a corner of the room and face the wall" punishment is unbearable, studying can kill me or make me insane. I'm serious. Maybe I'm just weird. Or just plain selfish, cos I do what I like, and I remember things that entertain me.

Damn. If MOB or GP is as fun as riding the roller coaster or rendezvous-ing with Syn Gates, trust me I'll score an 'A'! HAHA!

I guess nerves are starting to kick in. I must be motivated (by my peers at school, oh please do!) if not work will not be done, and I may face a life's supply of regret.

Damn.

That aside, I'd good fun with my 6 Jahanams. There were confessions, laughs and it was good. We fully utilised the 3 hours we had. Quality time, I must say. Love them all. Too bad Aznie Bunnie couldn't make it. Gah. Next time ah. KARAOKE pe? HAHAHA!

Love life's going through a dry spell for now. I won't make any effort to irrigate that portion of my life just as yet. See my mood. Hurhur.

K dah. Ciao.

Original Composition.

2010-03-13T00:39:00.004+08:00

Pernah sekali

Waktu ketika itu

Kau datang menjelma dalam hidupku

Bagaikan putera dari anganan

Sayang

Ku tertawan dengan senyummu

Ku terharu dengan kata-katamu

Wajahmu harus ku tatapi

Tanpanya ku hilang, sepi

Tapi apakan daya

Takdir kita bukan untuk bersama

Naskah cintaku tiada kamu

Dan kau telah pergi jauh

Jauh dari ragaku, jiwaku, anganku

Dari tu ku lupa

Lupa

Hangatnya asmara waktu berdua

Lupa

Belaian manja

Lupa

Waktu-waktu indah belaka;

Bagaikan bunga baru mekar

Mentah, megah dengan harapan melangit

Alpa dengan dunia, leka dengan masa

Namun

Tak pernah ku kesali

Pertemuan kita

Ku sedari

Bahwa kau bukan milikku, dan

Kau tak mungkin kan menyintaiku

Ku redha, ku ikhlas

Asalkan kau bahagia disampingnya

Yang telah kau pilih

Sebagai penggantiku dalam hidupmu

-yaharhar '10

Hey.

2010-03-08T22:57:00.002+08:00

Okay, maybe one day I'll put my Tweets into this page. But for now... let's just keep it this way.

I had a very interesting Saturday night. I finally heard another perspective to the same story that happened a long while ago. I'm thankful, yes I am. And I miss you already.

Erm. I've got no mood to write actually. My head is on overheat, that means higher temperature than normal, I've got flu and a bad, BAD sore throat. Having goose bumps on the surface of my skin, but burning inside.

I'm surprised that I could type in this much actually.

Okay, got to go. Want to rest. In any case anyone wants to reach me, I'm 8 digits away. If not, check the Tweets.

Ciao.

Hmm.

2010-02-22T21:43:00.002+08:00

I'll be back for updates soon.

Stay tuned.

In the meantime, I'm on tweets. See ya.

Problem.

2010-02-01T15:50:00.002+08:00

The problem with people is, they have problems in most of their waking lives. Problems relating to events they face, inner self and also with the people surrounding them. Often, people do not realise the magnitude of damage they have caused to others as well as the problem within themselves.

Sad huh?

Another thing. I think it's the hunting season or something. Sharks are lurking at every corner, waiting for their pray. If not them, it's the stronger sex- always on a look out for a potential mate. I think the sea is full. And it's suffocating to the fish. For now I think it's best for the fish to stay within the vicinity, scrutiny and security of the fisherman. At least the fish will have ample room to grow with no hurt or disturbance of any kind.

Better that way?

2.

2010-01-15T17:29:00.000+08:00

2 years today since it happened. The day.

='(

FUCK!

2010-01-12T11:28:00.001+08:00

NOW, WHEN I WANT TO FUCKING SLEEP, THERE IS ONE MOTHERFUCKER DRILLING ON MY ROOF!!! PUKIMAK KAU LAH SUNDAL!!!

INITIALLY.

2010-01-12T10:09:00.003+08:00

I had wanted to blog about something else, but today I guess I'll just let my feelings take over me. Sometimes it's tiring to be all pragmatic and mighty.

I woke up on time for school today. I missed the 0715hrs bus. That's okay, cos given any other days I would have gotten the bus 5-10 minutes later. Today was rather abnormal. I waited so long until probably 10 other buses passed before THAT one miserable bus came to stop.

I remained optimistic so as not to screw my 2nd day of school, but alas! SHIT happens. I reached the bus stop opposite Shell at 0748hrs. According to my vast experience in late-coming, that's already a goner. I do not wish to be the first person up for detention on the 2nd day of school so I SMS-ed my very nice co-home tutor. I could see that she was bummed at me, but forgave me. My home tutor SMS-ed me minutes after I got home telling me that I'd miss out on a lot today, since it's one of the longest school days I have in the week.

So, the skill of any PR Officer (as I have learnt) is doing some damage control. So, this being my fault I apologised to both of them and promised that I will catch up with school work. Trust me, I'll hold my end of the deal.

I thank God that I've teachers who care about me, and know me personally. I'm glad that they trust me to be responsible for my own actions and for believing in me, especially in my capabilities as a student and an individual. =)

And for that someone who kept me company through the emotional ordeal, as well as making me smile for what it's worth, thank you. I really appreciate it. I guess you have a way of distracting me when I'm pissed off. It worked twice already. =) I'll see you later for Challenger. All the best in advance!

I'm getting sleepy again but I'm not sure if I can get any sleep again this time. Last night was horrid. I keep waking up at irregular intervals experiencing cramps on my right leg. Damn you Yah. You forgot to stretch before leaving dance prac yesterday. Amek kau obat!

All in all, I managed only 4 hours of sleep. If I keep this up, I may just collapse or get those tension headaches again. My body clock better be adjusting quickly to this new lifestyle. I need me; I need my determination, thrist, hunger, desire, drive to excel academically.

I need it, I absofuckinglutely need it.

It's either do or die, succeed or die trying.

Thoughts.

2010-01-06T14:22:00.002+08:00

I feel liberated. In terms of my emotional state. I know what I want already, I have my eye on the prize and I'm gonna get it. Just one very crucial thing to do. Let go. Remove all the buckles, cuffs, leash for burning and walk away. I don't wanna bother waiting for him to return the portion of my heart that he took 13 months ago. It's okay. I can do this. I'm strong enough for this. I know my abilities.

So now, I'm finally walking away from you. It's okay, take that little piece of my heart. One day it will stop beating for you. So just throw it away. I won't bother asking for it back, cos I know one day, that void in my heart will be filled with the warmth and life of another.

Moving on...

Mutual understanding was established, and my doubts/concerns/curiosity answered well. No, not because the answers were stuff I wanted to hear, rather, the answers were objective and unbiased. I'm content. So let's see how things work out ya?

2010.

2010-01-02T16:55:00.003+08:00

I celebrated the arrival at the stroke of midnight with some of the EK members. Indeed, it was a night I don't think I will forget.

A series of events unfolded, most of which were rather blurry to me but some as clear as day. Generally it was bittersweet, at least for me.

Overall, 311209-010110 deserves a good laugh, and an occasional peek over the shoulder. Other than that, let's all keep walking straight in the roads of our lives as individuals. Whether paths will cross and merge or otherwise, it doesn't matter cos in the end if everyone's happy, I'm happy.

Blessed be, earthlings.
Enjoy your new year (while you still can!)

Ending.

2009-12-31T18:44:00.004+08:00

As the end of another yet suay year comes closer, I'd like to celebrate its end and welcome a new year tonight.

May 2010 be a blessed year for me.

It's one of the most important years in my entire life. Cos then I'd either make it, break it, or die trying.

I hope y'all have a happy prosperous 2010 too ya?

Now I'm off to party till dawn.
Bye bitches.

weird-o?

2009-12-27T21:35:00.002+08:00

These few days, you've been acting weird. Giving me hints to don't know what. Just now you missed call and hung up too fast for me to answer. Then messaged. I've a feeling that you wanna meet me, but something's pulling you back. Is it money? Are you afraid? Or am I just your booty call?

Honestly, I don't mind the booty part, but it's a big deal if feelings are involved. I need you to come clean. God, please give him the courage to do so.

I need to see him. I want to see him. That's unfortunately because I miss him. Siak ah. Did he read the previous entry? I wanna know. If he did, why isn't he out of my life by now? If he didn't, should I let him read it? Why did he give me his number if he wanted to disappear?

Fuck.
I'm thinking about him again.

I sense that he's thinking about me too. But the irony is, although both of us are alike in may ways, we can't read each others' minds. It's very frustrating for both of us. That's probably why we're complicated.

And having huge egos aren't helpful when it comes to situations like this.

Shit! I fucking hate this! Please, what do you want? What am I to you?

Breathe.

2009-12-17T14:30:00.000+08:00

"When love hurts, it won't work."

quote.

2009-12-16T20:36:00.003+08:00

If I can, I'd rearrange the order of some of the alphabets; It goes in this order: U,N,I together.

Heart-felt.

2009-12-14T19:15:00.004+08:00

Just last week, I was so sure of myself. I knew what I wanted to do and how reconciliation will not have worked for us now.

Today, my stand faltered. It broke into pieces. I realized the strength that I have within me. It was scary. So scary that it made me want to cry. So scary that I was literally, physically hurt from the pain I felt.

I realized that I haven't the capacity to stay away from you- instead in this journey, I find myself constantly steering towards you. I ignored the eerie, dark, dense atmosphere I was in to go find you, I even neglected my safety, my pride, my ego and worst of all, I disregarded the fact that I might get myself killed for you. All that I brought was that flicker of hope, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. That the journey would end with you right there, standing, waiting for me.

How fucking foolish can I be? How much more already?

Oh my God, by now I think you must think I'm a psychotic woman.

I hate myself for being brooding. I was never like that. I don't want to be that. Many times I told myself that this is nothing but lust. Nothing more than physical. That attraction between us has always been, and will always be, physical. I chose to believe you when you said that you were over the past. In my part, I thought I had too.

I thought I had forgotten what love was, what real feelings were when we met that day. I sealed my heart with metal and stone. After a while though, you noticed that I was stiff and preoccupied. Of course I was. My body, my mind was unfamiliar to the closeness we had and I was figuring out what I felt. What in the world was this burning sensation in my heart?

Eventually with sheer determination and might, I managed to push it all back and just be myself again. I had a nice time with you, and allowed myself to enjoy the attention that was lost all the times we were apart. It was sinful. But pleasureful.

This heartless bitch (as many called me) was on full swing. My feet was on the ground. I knew exactly what I was doing all the time and I enjoyed it without thoughts at all. Until you (possibly unknowingly) pried into one significant part, the most vulnerable part of my heart. That part, untouched for the past year since you left. It caught me off guard. I don't know if you caught my instant reaction but it was pure shock, in ways more than one.

I felt that for once you ignored your ego and opened up to me. It was comforting. But, forgive me please, because I felt that I didn't want to just be your friend. It wasn't enough for me. And up till now I don't understand why I still feel like that. I believe a friendship is possible for us someday, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough for that now. My desire for you to be with me, by my side forever isn't something to laugh at. It's undoubtedly scary in many ways. If I were a character in a book, I might have killed you already. Not because I hate you, but because I love you.

So I guess the next best thing to avoid self-destruction is to stay away from you. I want to, I have to. So that you can be free and do whatever you please. But I'm afraid that I can't. My biggest fear is to have you gone from my life. I don't know if you still remember that. I don't want you to disappear, so this time please just let me do it. I'll walk away from you. I'll walk the path that will never lead me to yours. I'll make sure our paths never cross again. That way, I know you'll be happy. Knowing that, I'll be happy too.

I'm finally doing this because I realised that you have never felt the same way as I did. Even if it would hurt me, even if you find me battered, torn and frayed in the process, just leave me to get back up myself. As long as you do not feel the same way about me, please don't appear in front of me anymore. Not physically, in cyber world, in my heart, in my mind, ever.

I'll do whatever it takes to protect my heart and its strength from reaching you. Because I don't want you to be afraid anymore. I don't want you to hate me, and so this is my decision.

Frustration.

2009-12-14T17:56:00.003+08:00

to the maximum.

ANOTHER EPIC MOMENT OF FOLLY.

Wow, Yah! You must be something!

FUCKKK!

What I know matters, because I'm always right.
This is what believing in oneself truly means. For me.

FUCKKK!

I feel like a fool.

AWAK!

2009-12-14T17:23:00.001+08:00

Check out my line of the day:

"Hello.
Cupid called.
He says to tell you that he needs my heart back."

CORN.

2009-12-12T12:35:00.003+08:00

To amuse myself, I'm known for doing many things that isn't really considered sane. Yesterday, after a "tangkap emo" moment with Barney, I entertained myself by karaoke-ing without music. I felt so much better after that. And today I just realised that my newest self-entertainment is: Finding corny pick-up lines!

Yeah, corny is the thaang, yo!

So if you guys have any good tried-and-tested or know of any corny pick up lines, please flood my inbox!

It's just for laughs, ya.
So, those abang-abang nk step mana nye hot playa, jangan nak terasa eh.

K dah.

Not.

2009-12-11T12:52:00.003+08:00

Not much to say this week, except for the fact that I've been awfully bored and lazy. I might as well be lazy now. Cos school starts EXACTLY a month from now. A month. That's really quick.

Say hello, year 3.

This computer of mine is seriously testing my patience. I find myself constantly screaming at it whenever it decides to fuck itself up. I look like a mad woman but hey, anyone would be too, if they're in my position.

I found my answers already. I'm contented.

I'm not gonna wait for you; but I'm not gonna deny that I still have feelings for you.

I miss my BFF Fayzel.
I miss my NKJMs.
I miss my Rotten Family.
I miss my 6 Jahanams.
I miss my Mary and Mah.

Most of all...
I miss you, Boo.

WTF.

2009-12-07T03:42:00.005+08:00

I'd a weird dream last night. What the fuck. Strangely, he wasn't the protagonist in the dream. Someone else was. That's why it's disturbing.

I'll get over it. I know I can.

Getting sleepy now. My brain's not really fresh and thinking. Been feeling numb these days. I don't know how it came to this or why it happened, but I like it. A lot.

Ok dah.

NUMB.

2009-12-02T20:57:00.001+08:00

Hello earthlings, I have officially finished my exams. WOOHOOHOO!!!

I have also cleared up some doubts that I had regarding a certain issue.

I should be happy right?
But no.
I feel numb instead.

Like.

2009-11-28T03:18:00.002+08:00

I really like what happened today. I found discipline and did revisions for like 4 hours straight and then I went out and had fun. For once, I felt liberated because I was being myself. I didn't have to be Miss Perfect and I like it. I like how I can just be my crazy self in front of somebody. Cos I know it isn't about looks anymore. I scored on that one already, once upon a time. Today was 100% truly, purely and honestly me.

This time, it also wasn't about impressing any longer. I gave up on that, and made peace with it already. I guess it's a good thing cos I can show him what I really am like without having to worry about what he thinks. I can't help but also wonder why I got paranoid of what people will think of me if I was being the usual crazy, technologically bimbotic woman who gets herself lost everywhere she goes to.

If men like me, they are supposed to like me status quo. I realised that I can't and I don't wanna transform myself into being the girl of their dreams. I've made peace with the fact that I may not be what men want, cos all their wants differ. I'm adaptive, but not a chameleon. I can't tailor myself to suit him the way he wants me to. And I'm not asking him to transform for me. That is purely BULLSHIT. The reason why I change has got to be for myself. Like a friend likes to say "I won't lower my standards to raise you". HELL to the YEAH, girlfriend! Spot on!

So today I learnt a lot from you. Thank you for this opportunity for learning. I miss you already.

Missing.

2009-11-26T00:57:00.002+08:00

Can I just tell you that I miss you?

Don't ask me why, although I know you're wondering.

Can I, please?

So,
Do you miss me too?

Pfft.

2009-11-25T22:28:00.002+08:00

I don't know what's up with me and weird dreams lately. Would I possibly turn out like that? If I ever did, sometime in the future, I might as well be strangled. I think. Sheesh. Weird, scary, undesirable but scarily possible.

And this afternoon was another epic moment when I got foolish.

Oh my God. Can I beat myself up already?!

Now I feel like laughing, crying and punching the wall.
How how how?

STAR.

2009-11-22T02:43:00.006+08:00

Thank you to someone I met today. You made my day less sucky. I should have given you a good, passionate kiss before we parted ways. Gahh! Me and my low reception mode. ALWAYS disrupts me from doing things I wanna do!

Next time we meet, please remind me that I owe you one kay? [That's IF you know about this entry! Haha.]

I'm feeling poetic tonight. Don't ask me why. I guess I found my inspiration while walking alone just now. It is a cool, windy night and as I was walking down the cement path, I got a sight of the spread in the sky. Like a blanket, the night sky was velvet blue and the stars looked like glitter against it. Stunning. And I saw Orion's belt. It made me wanna sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" for a bit, but I stopped myself before it could happen. Hurhur.

Sometimes when I miss someone, I'd just lay down on the ground and stare at the sky. The sight of stars just makes me wonder, if whoever I was missing at that time was looking at the same star in the same night, at the same time. Maybe it's just my wishful thinking, I don't know. Maybe it's just what the stars make me feel; I feel that they are an inspiration for hope. The best thing is, I don't care. Because looking at the magnificent burning matter makes me calm, cool and collected.

I don't know how else to say it. The feeling is just somewhat magical, therapeutic, serene.

When I was younger, I'd think of the stars as secret little messages that people want me to read when they can't reach me. It's still fun to think that way though because it keeps my imagination going.

So, imagine if people were to post a message to me via the stars in the night sky!
I so wonder what the messages will say!
I bet there will be many diffrerent, crazy things! LMAO!
I lo0ike~!

Okay, cheap thrill there.

To whoever who wants to feeling-feeling "loved" tonight, this is for you:
"You are my brightest star; the one whose shine is visible from far"

l'amour.

2009-11-18T22:58:00.002+08:00

Why does the heart call upon a name; and when it does, why then is there a burning sensation, much like acid to skin but at the same time we feel at ease?

PHYSICS.

2009-11-18T22:12:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow is my Physics paper. I swear I'm unprepared. The case of bad flu, heartache and demise of a close family friend is not making things any better. I found that my concentration levels are severely plummeting, to my alarm.

I must be selfish. At least just this once I should think about myself and not others. The most important thing now is NOT to cry. Second thing, do my best tomorrow and on the 30th. Third, get well ASAP. Fourth, deal with matters relating to l'amour. Fifth, heal from the emptiness and be strong for my brother.

Yes, that's about all the things I wanna do.

Wish me luck, pray for me!

Realization.

2009-11-17T12:51:00.002+08:00

At this point, I realised that I've pretty much screwed up the 17th to 19th year of my life. Back then, I didn't care about anything, or the consequences of my actions. All I wanted to do was have a taste of what the world is like. What reality, the streets, nightlife and all of life's sinful pleasure was.

True enough, I got everything I wanted.

But I wasn't happy. My life was going to be ruined. Back then, I had war with the boyfriend once a month, I had a poorly paid part time job, low education, et cetra. It came to a point when I thought that I might be turning into those "Hanyut" people; the "hidup segan, mati tak mahu" idiots. In actuality, I was underperforming, I was stagnant and I grew fat from all the laziness in my life. What seemed like "the good life" quickly turned boring, mudane, stale. And I hated it.

So, I turned myself around. I sacrificed my job for better education and I dumped that cheater of a male bitch. Fortunately, now I'm going somewhere. I'm out of the vicious cycle. Next year will be a new year for me and I hope by then, I'll be settled with myself, probably be with someone new, get to be the top 15% in school and achieve my dreams. The REAL dreams.

Until then, of course I've to revise my life. I don't really regret screwing up 2 years of my teenage life though. It is by the experiences I went through that has made me stronger, better and I can now wisely choose which path of life to take.

I admit that I can never be a good, angelic girl. I guess I was never born that way. But what I can be is someone with strong principles, a woman who is brave to admit that she's not perfect, and a respectable female who can be the person she has always imagined herself to be. Someone wise, who would already know the rights and wrongs, the woman who knows how to be happy and love unconditionally.

I'm 21 now, it's time I acted like one.

Sad.

2009-11-16T12:43:00.002+08:00

I am very much saddened by the demise of one of DK's members, Hasbullah. He was a very nice boy who had carved out dreams of himself in the future. Who knew, that his journey on Earth lasted only 17 years? God wanted him back, and to Him, Has returned on 15 November 2009.

I'll miss you, little bro.

='(

Never gets dull!

2009-11-14T20:15:00.001+08:00

Go to your music player, set it to shuffle/random, and answer the following questions with the title of the FIRST song that you skip to each time. Try not to cheat :)

1. This song will be playing when I meet the love of my life:
Siapa Diriku Di Hatimu- Hetty Sarlene

2. I'll have a good day if I can just hear:
Always be my baby- David Cook

3. If I reached the top of Mount Everest, what I would scream:
Move, Shake, Drop- DJ Lax

4. My love life was inspired by this song:
Are you ready- Anti Funky

5. what makes me happy is:
Summerlove- JT

6. My parents are like the song:
Rainbow in the Dark- Deep Purple & DIO

7. My message to the world has always been:
Knock you Down- Kerri Hilson

8. My friends see me as:
Dancefloor Killer

10. My alter-ego is:
Mimpi Manis- Dewi Persik

11. My theme song:
Happy Together- Simple Plan

12. Right now, I feel:
Get Busy- Sean Paul

13. At my funeral they'll play:
Ride for You- Danity Kane

15. Somewhere in my wedding vows, I will include:
Ku Menanti- Aqmal

18. My best friend is like:
Somewhere I Belong- Linkin Park

19. The best thing about me is:
It's my life- Bon Jovi

20. The worst thing about me is:
We're all to blame- Sum 41

21. Behind my back, my friends think I'm:
Million Tears- Groove Coverage

22. If I got lost on a desert island, I would yell:
Misery Business- Paramore

23. My favorite thing to do is:
Never be replaced- 1st Ladi

24. Highschool was like:
Come Home- DJ Rad

25. My day will be like:
Bring 'em Out- T.I

26. When I'm in the shower, I sing:
Hate that I love you- Rihanna ft. Ne-yo

27. Next time I'm in front of a crowd, I'll say:
What the Bleep

28. At my wedding they'll play:
Piece of Me- Britney Spears

29. The song that will play when I am sad:
Pulanglah- Aishah

30. The song that will play when I am feeling argumentative:
Addicted- Simple Plan

31. If I tripped and I fell, I would yell:
Shut up and Drive- Rihanna

32. During the weekends, I would be:
Crazy- Simple Plan

33. If someone asked for my number, I would say:
Sebak- Ukays

34. I see life as:
The Wicked End- A7X

35. My last words will be:
Gotta go my own Way- Vanessa Hudgens

Cried:

2009-11-14T18:38:00.003+08:00

Sakit jantung
Sakit jantung
Sakit jantung
Sakit jantung
Sakit jantung
Sakit jantung

I wanna have a long cry.
& then, I will survive.

20 days, 20 fucking days.
I can't believe myself.

Inglorious Basterds.

Why is it so damned hard this time?
Is it my ego?
Or,
Is it my heart?

Is it okay to ask you for one last dance?

Eye-opener.

2009-11-14T16:29:00.001+08:00

Stuff I found, about myself. Accurate!

ENTP

Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving

ENTPs are frequently described as clever, cerebrally and verbally quick, enthusiastic, outgoing, innovative, and resourceful.

ENTPs are motivated by a desire to understand and improve the world they live in. They are usually accurate in sizing up a situation. They may have a perverse sense of humor and sometimes play devil's advocate, which can create misunderstandings with friends, coworkers, and family.

ENTPs are ingenious and adept at directing relationships between means and ends.

ENTPs 'think outside the box,' devising fresh, unexpected solutions to difficult problems. However, they are less interested in generating and following through with detailed plans than in generating ideas and possibilities.

ENTPs are quick to see complex interrelationships between people, things, and ideas. These interrelationships are analyzed in profound detail. The result is an in-depth understanding of the way things and relationships work, and how they can be improved.

See that word "ingenious"? My favourite word! Hahaa!

Sweet.

2009-11-12T21:33:00.001+08:00

So baby don’t worry, you are my only,
You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,
You’ll be my only, no need to worry,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Even if the sky is falling down,

Men.

2009-11-09T02:07:00.002+08:00

Found this in a friend's note at FB. Just for laughs. Or not. ;)

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like .. Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Done.

2009-11-09T00:41:00.001+08:00

Finally, PW is over and done with.

Thank you, Ms Quek, Ms J for all your guidance.
Thank you, Lutadorians for working together.

Physics is up next.
I'm getting paranoid about it.

Maybe I should channel all my energy to studying, that way, my heart won't hurt or call his name.

Yeah, I should do just that.

Grr.

2009-10-25T22:32:00.001+08:00

A lot of things did not go the way it was planned to.
Past few weeks proved to be a real test of my patience.

I hope it's all gonna end soon. Real soon.

MEN.

2009-10-18T17:44:00.000+08:00

Came across this in a friend of a friend's FB notes.

Why are there so many single ladies?

1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have No money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11.The men, who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

Joke.

2009-10-18T16:41:00.001+08:00

How does a mute ask for a toothbrush?

HAHA.
This joke goes to Fayzel.
Thanks for making my day yesternight. You are my hero.

Loves you, BFF!

Upsetting.

2009-10-17T23:07:00.002+08:00

It's Diwali. I'm home when I'm supposed to be catching Impak Maxima at the Esplanade.

Nephews are playing with a relative.
Noisy kids.
I hate them children.

I hate today.
Somebody save me.

Need.

2009-10-14T22:05:00.001+08:00

I need to get promoted.
I need to print my WR. (DONE!)
I need a fag.
I need my 8 hours.
I need to pull my socks up so high, my toes hurt.

That's a figure of speech actually, in case you haven't noticed.
For Physics.

So little time, so much to do.

OP: November 6/7
PHYSICS Paper 2: November 19
PHYSICS Paper 1: November 30

Killing me.

Pre-period.

2009-10-12T21:51:00.003+08:00

I don't feel well. It's been bothering me since this afternoon.

Keep wanting to puke, headaches are making it worse. Can't think right now.
Almost every inch of my body hurts. Back, joints, you name it.

But I have to do PW.
It's been bugging me.
DO. DO. DO.
But.
I'm having writer's block. Sickening!
Maybe I should tell Mila that I'm completing it tomorrow instead.
Tonight sleep, get my 8 precious hours. Hopefully this sucky feeling of nausea disappears by then.

I HATE THE PRE-PERIOD DAYS, I SWEAR!!!

Gone.

2009-10-07T15:45:00.000+08:00

H1 exams, be gone!
Komamoto, Japan, here I come!

I wish.
Pfft.

You.

2009-10-03T13:37:00.000+08:00

Because I want you.
To have you.
In my life.

Oh-so perfect.
Oh, orgasmic.

Frust.

2009-09-23T14:25:00.002+08:00

Why is it that you can be so near, yet so far from me?
Frustrating.

Why am I a lazy pig? I should be studying, but I'm here blogging, fb-ing and thinking if I should watch a movie now. Best still, I'm thinking "Screw tomorrow's paper!" over and over again in my head.
Frustrating.

Frustrating, at home alone with the boys.

Frustrating.

And it's Syawal, the month of so-called happiness and triumph.
Pfft.

Do.

2009-09-16T23:02:00.002+08:00

Spoke to Janna today regarding a recent issue. She says I've to do something about it.

Question is, should I?

I'm feeling 50-50.
On one side, I feel that I should. So that everything may be settled in peace and quickly.
On the other hand, I feel that I should not. Because it may not be directly related to me.

Hmm.
I don't want to make the wrong decision again.
That's my only concern.

Rhetorical question for the day:
What would you do if you see someone you love hanging by a thread?

SINS.

2009-09-15T14:54:00.001+08:00

Out of all the deadly sins, which one will you die of?

For me, what's clear as day is SLOTH. (Bottom right pic)

Bday.

2009-09-12T15:54:00.002+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MUHAMMAD ZULKIFLI YA'ACOB.
You are 17, bro!
No presents now. Maybe next month okay.
Please grow up to be a responsible man.
And please, shave off your armpit hair. They are disgusting.

P/S: I need to study.

Remember.

2009-09-11T01:55:00.003+08:00

Bad memory, I have.

I must remember things that are important, such as the cold hard facts printed (and written) in my Geography, MOB, Sastera and Physics notes.

Disappointingly, I can't. That is why I am in deep shit. Yes, that's right. "Miss Smarty Pants" is in deep academic SHIT.

I know how a volcano is formed, its causes and effects and the 3 Weathering types but I can't remember the reasons for Global Shift (besides Comparative Advantage).

I know what a break-even is and how to define a business, but I can't remember which Motivational Theory belongs to whom.

I know what the hell "Gajah Putih" and "Burung-burung di Puncak Gunung" simbolize, but aku tidak mengerti "Mereka tidak Mengerti".

I know all of Newton's 3 Laws and the difference between a Vector and a Scalar, but I can't remember the formulae for Free Fall, Upthrust and the Wave Theory.

God.
You are fair.
You are, really.

'Discipline' was what You probably never gave me, in terms of my behaviour.
Due to the lack of that (and the obvious lack of working hard), I have been in trouble many, many times.

I may get suspended anytime soon. (if I keep this shit up)
Suspended indefinitely, they like to call it. That means as long as the Institute wants me to stay out. (or until they are convinced that I learn my lesson.)
I may even be barred from taking the all-important 'A' Levels.

Now, I don't want that do I?
(Don't be stupid. Of course not.)

So what should I do?
(Don't be stupid you prick. Start working!)

I can, but the REAL question is,
Is it too late now?

Tick tock, bitch.
Exams start officially this Monday, 14 September.

So, for my own benefit I must block stuff that I should NOT remember, like men. CERTAIN men, to be exact.

Yeah, that should do it.
Mayyyyybe.

Read.

2009-09-10T01:46:00.002+08:00

He finally read it.
He did.
My e-mail.
He read it.

God, please let him forgive me.
This is one of the many things that I've done, and so regret.
Please accept my apology.

I'm not asking you to accept the mistake I did.
I'm asking you if you can forgive me.
Put the past behind and look forward into the future.

Please.

I'm shaking. Literally.
I am so scared.
My mind's in a mess. Completely.

Baby and I.

2009-09-06T18:36:00.002+08:00

Good movie. Touching.

Game-on.

2009-09-04T16:48:00.003+08:00

I realised that I LOVE games , and that I am highly entertained by games either on Facebook, PSP or iTouch.

I surpassed Twin in Hell's Kitchen (on Facebook) a few days ago.
I beat almost all of Abu's Tap Revenge highscores (in his iTouch), with 100% hits!
I'm as crazy as hell wanting to complete Silent Hill: Origins (on Bjul's PSP).

Oh hell.
The list goes on.

Am I turning into a game freak?
If I am, watch out boys!
=)

On a darker note, I miss you. I know you're busy but can you at least tell me you're okay?

Maybe.

2009-09-01T01:41:00.003+08:00

Maybe I shall just stick to eye candies for now. No dating, no contacting. Just pure blissful imaginations of you and me. Yeah, that will be great. =)

Damn I need a FAG.

Orgasmic. CK. Orgasmic. CK.